Author Topic: Grocery Store Commando  (Read 2254 times)

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December 11, 2004, 08:02:29 PM on

Offline ridin gaijin (OP)

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Grocery Store Commando - Mission: Carpaccio



0702: The Rising. Subject awoke shortly after 0700 with the realization that the neighbors were coming over for dinner this date; the spouse had done nothing in the way of preparation; and the weather was to be clear and above freezing all day. The mission would be to secure all necessary ingredients using only his Tiger, a Discover card with uncertain remaining mojo, and his wits. There could be no outside assistance, and as such, the Triumph would likely have to do most of the thinking.



0715: The Escape. Subject eluded all family members and successfully escaped into the garage, where he wheeled the machine outside and started it. Although the machine could have been dropped, or even maybe scuffed a bit as it rolled past the Honda Civic, this hazardous job was accomplished without flaw. He then fitted the stock hard-sided luggage to either side, bravely choosing to leave the cargo net behind to save weight. Despite the beautiful, sunny day, clean fresh air, and absence of any traffic or other people, he felt an unaccountable apprehension. A true adventurer, he nevertheless conquered his fear and moved out into the oddly vacant roadway.



0716: Initial Ride. Even though there was hardly any traffic to be seen, and road conditions ranged from very good to excellent, any number of bad things could have happened on the way to the first objective, a large chain grocery store. The subject was forced to take several potentially unsafe detours featuring winding roads and multiple speed bumps before reaching the objective.



0745: Contact. Against all odds subject arrived safely at objective. He executed a truly brilliant parking maneuver into the spot closest to the doors--a maneuver marred perhaps only by the fact that countless others have done the same thing; and that no one was around to see it. Congratulating himself nonetheless he succeeded in removing his protective gear, locating a shopping cart, and proceeding safely into the store.



0830: The Exit. Subject exited the store to find the motorcycle mysteriously still parked just where he had left it. Unloading of the cart into the panniers quickly followed. Subject then re-geared up and exited the parking lot, riding safely past an extremely well-established homeless person whose shopping cart compound occupied over three parking spaces.



0831: Critical Error. As subject was blasting past the sparse traffic, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten the wine and the filet for the carpaccio. Turning back was out of the question. He would have to proceed to an emergency second objective to secure the necessary supplies. Lacking any GPS gear or even a topographic map of the area, he drew on his extensive knowledge of the local terrain and the teeming roads of the 60,000 person metropolis, and planned his route accordingly. Commitment to success was total in spite of the dangers of proceeding.



0850: Second Objective. The drive to the second objective was bristling with open roads, slower traffic, and Land Rovers. The subject made it in good shape nonetheless despite the outstanding visibility. Another parking manuever was executed on site. This one was even more demanding than the first, as a slight uphill incline was involved. Proceeding into this second store, subject endured admiring stares from several total strangers and bravely soldiered on to the wine section.



0910: Danger! Leaving the second objective, subject arrived at the notorious Old Santa Fe Trail stoplight. This light is well known for never turning green when the Tiger approaches. The assistance of neutral or hostile SUVs is often required to trigger the change--a risky situation at best, and often involving severely lengthy waits of up to a few minutes...or more. On this date the subject took the calculated risk of carefully observing the flat, open roads all around...and then proceeding in the face of the red light. This procedure should never be attempted by anyone (unless they really really need to).



0915: Safe Return. Subject rode down the dirt road and across the ditch into his driveway, returning safely, against all odds, with the mission complete. Subject measured 46.25 lbs of groceries (there was a lot of wine) packed into the two 13-lb max panniers. Even though this was a clear violation of the Tiger's operating specifications, the machine bore this critical excess without sign of structural failure.



After Action Review: Unfortunately, the Tiger will require several hours of riding in order to recuperate from this morning's mission. The continued good weather will just have to be endured in order to accomplish this. Plans to issue T-shirts, medallions, and a men's fragrance commemorating this hazardous mission are in the works. And the household has been secured, once again, by the thin orange line (with black stripes).
2005 Tiger in Lucifurry Orange. Always something new it seems...

December 11, 2004, 10:12:21 PMReply #1 on

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Hope the meal tasted OK since it was most deffinately shaken AND stirred inside the panniers on the way home.

December 12, 2004, 01:48:40 AMReply #2 on

Offline Patrick the Scot

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All rides deserve a good report! You have a real Tom Clancy-like literary style.
"As far back as I can remember... I always wanted to be a gangster" - Good Fellas



Texas Tech Red Raiders - 2008 BIG IIX NCAAF CHAMPS

December 12, 2004, 05:30:49 PMReply #3 on

Offline Brock

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Ridin'...you are what we call barking mad.

Please come and live next door to me.
Chris

\"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.\" J R R Tolkein

December 12, 2004, 05:49:12 PMReply #4 on

Offline Brock

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Hey Ridin'...why don't you post up the Tiger v GS12 comparison you've put on the TriumphRat site? There's a few folks on here who would find it interesting (if not surprising!).
Chris

\"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.\" J R R Tolkein

December 15, 2004, 12:27:38 AMReply #5 on

Offline ridin gaijin (OP)

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Hey guys thanks for the kind words!



BlackTiger, you are right...one of the reasons I didn't include pics is cos of what happened to the gallon of milk. Let's just say that if I'd arrived home and it hadn't've busted open, it would've weighed 8 lbs. Not for the faint of heart...the insider of that luggage wipes clean with just a bit of Armor All tho. OK, in this case, a lot more than a bit.



Patrick el Scot: all I can say is stay tuned. El tigre is now out of break-in and actual ride reports will be inflicted on the unwary soon!



Brock--let's do this! I understand the UK is almost as sunny and dry as New Mexico, and enjoys almost 330 days on average of good riding weather annually. I'm set! And since the dollar is so strong right now, I'll get some awesome deals on that cheap UK real estate. Right? er... right? F*ck it! I'm coming anyway! The beer's GOT to be better than here!



I didn't put up the GS thing cos I thought there'd be some cross-readership and I didn't want to be a bore. Oh well, I'll post it now. Nobody over there flamed me. Ride safe...it's a jungle out there...   ...{somewhere...}
2005 Tiger in Lucifurry Orange. Always something new it seems...

December 15, 2004, 10:59:06 PMReply #6 on

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Quote from: "ridin gaijin"
The beer's GOT to be better than here!






When you get here, just look up your local CAMRA group. That's CAMpaign for Real Ale. It will be a bit warmer than you're used to though. That's the beer, not the weather!